Generosity Starts When You Put The Phone Down

Generosity Beyond Money

Welcome back to the According to West Podcast, where we explore the qualities that bring richness and meaning to our daily existence. I'm your host West, and today we're talking about a virtue that's often misunderstood, a quality that is so much more than just a financial app. Today, we're talking about generosity. Now, when we hear the word generosity, our minds go, you know, they go straight to bunny. Making it rain in the club, giving your girl whatever she wants, giving family members whatever they want. Um, we think of donating to charity and giving a large tip at the at the restaurant, but you know, financially, while financially giving is a is certainly a a part of it, it's just one piece of a much larger, more profound puzzle. True generosity is a state of being. It's a willingness to share your resources, whether they are tangible or intangible. You know, you're sharing it in a way that enriches both the recipient and the giver. Let's kind of look at the uh the etymology of what it what generosity is. Um generosity comes from the from the Latin word generosus, meaning of noble birth. So historically, it wasn't about money, it was about having a noble spirit. I might have to do a deep dive on my own to see exactly when uh that that word became synonymous with just like money. Um it's quite odd, uh, but I digress to to kind of put things in perspective. Let's kind of compare and contrast some ways that you know uh the difference between actually uh charity and and and and generosity. Um you know, with with your charity, you know, it's uh your your your focus can be the gift or the recipient. Uh but if you look at it from a uh a generosity standpoint, usually with that, it's the the mindset, the relationship with the person. You know, with charity as episodic, you're kind of you're doing it whenever it comes up or or when it's uh needed, but generosity is constant. It's it's with generosity, it's something that you're you're putting your time, your attention, your spirit into. Not necessarily just your not you know, not just your money, your finances. You know, think of the most generous person you know. Do they give money or do they give something else that feels more valuable? Are you generous with their time? Are they generous with their attention? Their themselves, you know, their vibe, as they would say. I would say charisma and soul, but you know, are you generous with those things? I mean, there's a reason why women say, I'd rather have you than your than your money, the women that actually do love you. Because they they want they love the things about you, they want that from you. So why is generosity so powerful? Why should we make a conscious effort to practice it? Well, for one, it it fosters connection. Generosity is like the social glue that holds us together. When we are generous with someone, you build a bridge of trust and mutual respect and makes people feel seen and valued, which is fundamentally a human need. Like we all need that. These these small acts of giving create a web of connection that enriches your life and the lives of those around you. You know, I often think about the the friends that will uh actually make time for you, or the family members that will actually make time for you. Like, that feels good. Uh you know, with the the type of society we have and the world we live in. Uh not everyone practices uh spending time with people, like good quality time with people, whether it's your friends or your loved ones. So it definitely does uh foster connection with me on my end. And, you know, so much so that I I've got I try to do the same. I was once that person that was not generous with my time. Um another reason why generosity or being generous is so powerful is that it reduces a scarcity mindset. The opposite of generosity is often a scarcity mindset. It's the it's the belief that it that there isn't enough to go around. This mindset leads to a constant state of fear, envy, and selfishness. And newsflash, generosity is the antidote. It operates from a place of abundance, and ironically, it leads to more personal and professional opportunities. When you give freely, you signal to the universe and to your own subconscious that there is more than enough to share. And there's been studies here and there, they say that the science is clear, but I'm no scientist, but studies have shown that when you are generous, our brain's reward centers are activated. This releases chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, which makes us feel happy and purposeful. The acts of generosity that we that we do can reduce stress and improve our mental health and even increase our longevity. It's a beautiful paradox. Given to others is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Now, let's let's break down some some ways we can get some uh get that generosity uh out there and um and you know we can start practicing it. Um now one one aspect of life and and probably the most important I would uh I would say in in our day and age with the social media and the phones is uh being having uh being generous with your attention. You know, putting the phone down. Like the the mere presence of a smartphone on a on a table, even when it's face down, has been shown to reduce the depth of conversation and the sense of connection between people. Generosity of attention means removing the digital tether entirely to signal you are more interesting than the internet. My good people, the the last thing you want to do is to seem uninterested in what your partner has to say. That's believe they will take their story someone else and somewhere else and uh to someone else, and they will be willing to listen. So it costs you nothing to put that phone down. Matter of fact, it costs you nothing to leave the phone in uh the other room. Y'all sit down on the sofa, sit down at the table, and actually talk. You'll be surprised what comes out. You'd be surprised what you learn, even with people you've known damn near all your life. Being generous with your attention involves listening to understand rather than listening to respond. Instead of mentally rehearsing your comeback or your own related story, you are fully immersed in their narrative. You know, it requires deep and active listening. So you gotta put that phone away. You gotta put that phone away, you gotta give them eye contact and and and you know, take in what take in what they're saying. Now it might become difficult, or it might be difficult if you're always on your phone, like that attention span isn't there, but you know, maybe that's another episode for another day. Paying attention, I don't know. But uh, you know, being generous with your attention, uh and and this is the this is the ability to notice the the small things in life, whether it's uh a colleague's slight change of mood or your or your your a partner's unspoken fatigue, you know, they're tired, dated and drained them, you know what I mean? You know how that goes, or uh, you know, a friend's subtle hesitation. It's it's paying enough paying enough attention to read between the lines of someone's life. Like just don't be on autopilot. They see that. People see that. They they they can they can have a perception of you, like you can't be bothered or or they're a burden, so they're not gonna, you know, they're not gonna come to you with things that they would normally come to, and they might feel safer with you know safe telling you these things or or sharing things with you. And then and now they can't get that out. I I speak from experience on the other end. Uh like I said, being not being generous enough time, not being generous enough with my time. These uh, you know, my loved ones have definitely said things to me. And and that's why I'm here sharing this this stuff with you guys. Like uh it's something that I definitely got better at. Something that I work on every day. Not perfect every day, but I work on it every day. But yeah, having the wherewithal to practice reading between the lines of someone's life. You know, get back to uh reading body language and things like that. And with that, you know, being a generous person with your attention allows the other person the space to stumble through their thoughts, find their words, and and reach their own conclusion without being interrupted or quote unquote fix, you know, us and we love to solve that problem for our for our wives or girlfriend. You know, and sometimes they just want to be heard. And with them wanting to be heard and and and things to be talked out, and that you have their that you have they have your attention. I'm not gonna say that backwards, that you that they have your attention, you know, it's hey, it's it's it's patience that we have to that we have to practice doing that, you know what I mean? That's with anybody, not necessarily your woman or your man, your children, your nephews, your nieces, your cousins, anybody. Be present, be patient, you know. So some surefire ways to be generous with your attention. Uh when you're you know, when you're talking or you're interacting, you know, make eye contact, take notes, mental notes. I you know, ask follow-up questions to prove that you're listening, engage. You know, we talked about setting aside the phone, turning your body towards them so they can see that you're engaging them, they're more comfortable in uh in saying things. You know, sitting in the silence with them and saying, tell me more, or I know Susan ain't fucking do that, or I know that bitch line. Like engage them. They gonna feel her. Throw a throw a couple I know they fucking lines in there. You know what I mean? They're gonna feel engaged. Or how could that bitch they gonna feel engaged? So those the those real-world examples, if you will. Now, the generosity of assumption off the break sounds weird, but hear me out. Um, the generosity of assumption is the the mental habit of choosing to attribute the best possible motive to someone's behavior, especially when it's when the behavior is confusing, hurtful, or annoying in most cases. It's like uh it's the benefit of the doubt on steroids. Instead of jumping to conclusions or assuming that someone is being a jerk, lazy, or malicious, you consciously search for more compassionate explanation. It's like a it's like a gift you give to others, like you've given them a pass, but more importantly, you you own your own peace, you know what I mean? You don't. Because more than more nine times out of ten, yeah, sometimes it is something reasonable. You know what I mean? Like be generous with those uh those passes. Not saying you're giving people hall passes 100% of the time. But uh, you know, think before you leap, I guess. I mean we we are all meaning-making machines, you know what I mean? Like when something happens, we immediately tell ourselves a story to explain it. Generosity of assumption is simply choosing to write a heroic or tragic story instead of one where someone is the villain and being a butt face. Like you get to decide that until you actually see what it is, and then if they're a butt face, then they're a butt face. But you know, most people are not out to get you, they are just out for themselves. I laugh, but it is that's what it is. Or they're struggling with something that you can't see, like everyone's fighting their own battles, everyone dealing with something. Their life is not your life, their path is not your path. And it's kind of it's it's greater than not greater, but it's it's like another version of uh put yourself in their shoes. You don't have to you don't have to know what their shoes are, what brand they are, what what you know they've if they you know if they loafers, if they you don't have to know. Just know that they got some shoes. Just know those shoes can be anything. So kind of give them a little grace. You know, like for instance, if you know your friend has a text back, you're thinking like, oh shit, they're ignoring me, or like my our friendship isn't a priority because they're never around, but maybe they're always overwhelmed or they had a rough week, or they don't have the energy to engage yet. Like, that's a thing. I know that's a thing for me. Like, I gotta recharge myself when I deal with some of my friends. It's like, God damn, let me take my let me catch my breath before I because some of my friends that they're so in, I'm not gonna say that they're intense, but they are some of them are characters, some of some of them are high energy, not in a bad way, but it's just like I'm kind of cool and calm and low-key and out the way. And it just, you know, I am that friend, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just someone might have had a rough week with my profession. But speaking of my profession, and another example, like you're reading the email, the email is short, and you're trying to what the the team's message, oh my goodness, the team message seems kind of a little passive aggressive, and you're like, yo, what the fuck I do to them? But at the same time, they could just be like on the clock on some time-sensitive stuff themselves. Like, these things happen. Give them give them the benefit of the doubt. Being generous with your with your assumptions, and you know, it will get you far. So another avenue where generosity can enrich your life is um having generosity in your feedback. It's it's the that's the intentional act of investing your time and social capital into another person's growth. While standard feedback is often reactive, you know, telling someone they did a good job or they did a bad job, or you know, don't use your teeth next time. Generous feedback is a proactive gift of perspective. It is the opposite of being a feedback miser, someone who only speaks up when things go wrong. A person generous with feedback recognizes the praise is that the praise is fuel, and construction constructive criticism is a map, and they provide both in abundance. Now, about the not using your teeth thing. Never mind. I ain't about to get into that another episode. However, now what makes feedback generous? Uh well for one uh specify your feedback rather than you know rather than it being general. Saying good good job is cheap. You know, you can always say, you know, go into depth, like, hey, I notice how you handle, I notice how you handle that customer at the cash register. You know, you you you handle them by staying calm and you validated their frustration and you got the job done and you got them their chicken. Stuff like that. Another way um that feedback can be generous is the the your frequency. It doesn't have to wait for a uh a blowout fight or uh an annual review, a birthday, you know, stuff like that. It's you can give it in small, consistent doses. That shit goes a long way. It makes the person's day. I know it makes my day whenever I get it. If I get it. And you know, and just always remember that you aren't giving feedback to fix the person. You know, it's not for your own convenience. You are giving it because you believe in your potential. And who doesn't want to be around people that are, you know, not even you don't want to be around. Like if you care about these people, you know, um professionally or even uh even personally, like your family and stuff like that. You want to see them develop, you want to see them grow, you want to see them prosper, hopefully. You know what I mean? We are talking about, you know, you being generous with people you do care about in some way, shape, or form. Like I have co-workers, I might not care about them on a personal level because I don't know them on a personal level, but professionally, we all know what it's like to to we all work the we all have jobs, right? So on some level, as long as as long as Sue isn't being Sue isn't being negative, or co-worker isn't being like like causing havoc in the uh in the in the office space. You know, I'm sure you would care if they keep their job or they're they're doing things to make everybody else, they're doing what they're supposed to do to make your day go smoother. Or makes or do things to the best of their ability because you see them frustrated. You know, you might offer tips, stuff like that. Now remember for generous feedback, define when and where it happened, describe the specific action and not the person's character, and explain how it made you feel or what the result was. Sure fireway that this, you know, that this improves things. You'll be good to go in this avenue of generosity. Now, last but not least, uh one way, and I feel like this is one of the most important ways to show your generosity, your generous side of yourself is to be generous in forgiveness, or having a capacity to have generosity of forgiveness. Generosity of forgiveness is the act of voluntarily releasing a debt that someone owes you, quote unquote, because they cause you harm, disappointment, or pain. While standard forgiveness is often a slow process of healing, generous forgiveness is a proactive choice to give up your right to resentment, retaliation, or the last word. And I think that's what that means. I forget, but I don't forget. It's one of those things where it's like, yo, I I'm not gonna let that. I ain't gonna let that fuck with me. It happened. I don't like it, but I got shit to do today, and I don't need to have a bad mood, or I don't need to be in this frame of mind. I don't want to, it's not good for me. You know, it's it's it's called generous because you are gifting someone a clean slate that they may not have earned, and you are gifting yourself the mental space that was previously occupied by anger. Now, transactional forgiveness, you know, that focuses on the uh the perfect apology or restitution where generous forgiveness is granted regardless of the other person's accent. You know, it's it's it's built on emptying the scales, releasing the weak rather than rather than balancing the scales like an eye for an eye. It's unconditional. It's it's not a focus on the offender rather than it's it's focus on the internal peace of the forgiver. And I'm all about that. I'm all about my fucking peace. Once again, I do not have time to got shit to do. Places to be now some common misconceptions about forgiveness is that well one is that forgiving someone forgiving someone means you're condoning what they did. And it doesn't forgiving forgiving someone doesn't mean what they did was okay. It just means that you are no longer willing to be defined by the hurt that they cause. It doesn't mean you're, you know, everything's over, you're there's some reconciliation that's going on. You can forgive someone without letting them back into your life or without letting them cross a boundary. Generosity of forgiveness is about your peace. Reconciliation is about mutual trust. It's not a sign of weakness either. It's a sign of strength. It's much easier to be angry than it is to be at peace. Now, that sign of weakness is uh the sign of it being a sign of strength is one of the things that it's so hard to to get people to see. I think that's the one thing that most people struggle with. Like, I'm not no weak bitch, like some type of some shit like that. But if I'm mad and you made me mad or I'm angry, that means you're living rent-free in my head. You not the boss of me. And I wish more people seen it that way. Like, yo, I'm in control of this shit. I'm in control of my emotions. Can't nobody make me anything. I can only make me angry, mad, sad. I have that power. Ultimately, I have that power. Now there might be a moment of it, but I ain't gonna stew in it. I'm gonna try not to. You know. Like holding a grudge is like holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Like, who the fuck does that? Generosity is about releasing yourself from the debt. So, here are the takeaways. Genero being generous is having generosity with your resources. It's giving up your money, your possessions, or your skills. This doesn't have to be, it doesn't, this doesn't have to be a lot to be meaningful. People may say it does. Those people may be bottomless pits. Like this shouldn't be a, oh, if you didn't give this much, you're not generous. It's a weird, it's a weird statement. If you didn't give me this, you're not being generous. It could be a small donation to a cause you believe in, or sharing a book you finished, or using your expertise to help a friend. The key is the spirit in which it is given freely and with no strings attached. Having generosity with your spirit. This is a deeper and often more challenging form of generosity. It's the willingness to be generous with your empathy, your forgiveness, and your kindness. It's about giving people the benefit of the doubt. Instead of immediately judging them, it's about celebrating others' success without a hint of envy. It's the generosity to forgive a small offense and move on. Choosing peace over resentment. This form of giving is about sharing the wealth of your inner world. Having generosity with your time and attention. In our distracted, fast-paced world, this is the this is arguably the most valuable gift you can give yourself. It's the act of being present with someone. When you sit with a friend, put your phone away, when your child is talking to you, make eye, make eye contact and you know, be there. Be in the moment. Easier said than done, right? Kinda. Um it all starts with a simple choice and daily practice. You know, start with a mind, start with a mindset shift. Refrain from a chore or obligation to an opportunity for joy. Look for ways to be generous throughout your day. You know, practice small daily acts. You don't have to save the world. You can change a person's day by offering a genuine compliment to a stranger. You can leave a positive comment on a friend's social media post. Like, you can let someone go ahead of you in traffic, which people don't like to fucking do in this area that I live in. But the the the old faithful, you can you can hold the door open for someone. These small, consistent acts are the building blocks of a generous life. You know. By being generous with your words. Like our words have immense power. Use them to lift others up, to offer praise, and to express gratitude. A simple thank you or I appreciate you can have a profound impact. And, you know, last but not least, protect your fucking energy. That's that's the most important part. You cannot pour from an empty cup. True generosity is sustainable. It involves being generous with your own energy by setting healthy boundaries and saying no when you need to. This ensures that your that your world of generosity never runs dry. Ultimately, generosity is a choice to live a life of open-hearted abundance. It's a commitment to giving of yourself in a way that creates a positive verbal effect in the world. It's a powerful act that benefits the giver just as much, if not more, than the receiver. Thank you for joining me on the According West Podcast. Until next time, remember that we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.